I am crushed today, under the weight of disappointments. I am crushed, today, under the weight of loneliness. I am crushed, today, under the weight of my mistakes. I am crushed, today, under the weight of tomorrow. And I am scared. I am not scared of the future, specifically, but I am afraid that what I have done to today will mar our tomorrow. Today was all I had and I didn’t do it very well. I could feel pieces of me breaking today. Pieces have been breaking for a while but, in the past, it has been pleasant, like the falling away of chains. However, the pieces that broke today were not meant to fall – at least I don’t think so.
I found myself measuring – my weight, my popularity, my meaning, my worth, my beauty, my importance, my self – and I came up short every time. Came up short to what, though? Expectations? Yeah, that’s probably it. Don’t we all come up short of our expectations – we trip and fall into the shadows of misguided worth? My dear, dear girls, this is for you…
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What does it mean to be broken? For my little girl, it meant tears, disappointment, and agony at the thought that a dear toy would be no more. With eyes of despair and tears tumbling down her cheeks, I was responsible for delivering the news. “Not all things that are broken can be fixed.” I held her, and stroked her hair and sent her to bed with reassurances that “mama will try.” A hope was sparked in her heart but she still walked away with a frown.
They say if you love something you let it go. That’s stupid, by the way, at least most of the time. Sure, there’s an element of truth, but it’s also a lot of nonsense. I love my daughters so I would never “let them go” in to a busy parking lot… see what I mean? Here’s the truth: If you love something (or someone), you will refine it.
When I say, “I love you,” what I mean is that my heart doesn’t know what it’s like to not know you. I mean that I didn’t know what love really felt like until I saw you. What I want to say is that I will never be able to stop, even if I tried. I am saying that you forever changed me and I am forever grateful for it. When I say, “I love you,” I am extending open hands to you to feed you, clothe you, catch you when you fall, help you stand, steady your steps, dance, cook, mend, cradle, embrace, play, check for fevers, and tickle.
Golden curls at the nape of your neck.
Eyelashes forming a gentle swoop. A profile that’s all cheeks and nose. A proud round belly not afraid of tickles. Sunlight catching the strands around your eyes. Tiny first steps in the crunch of grass. Arms raised in abandon from the blue swing seat. |
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