This is the beautiful, messy, life-giving, energy-draining dance of motherhood. A delicate spin between joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, and clinging to and letting go that makes up our days and our nights. We vacillate between the when-will-she-evers and the it-seems-like-only-yesterdays.
We are told to “cherish these moments” when we don’t feel like it; we are warned not to blink when all we want is a nap. We know it is ending and it aches but we also anticipate the excitement of all the firsts fully understanding that one day all those first will be lasts.
Motherhood is not to be trifled with.
I am an angry mom.
Of all the things I thought I would be, this is not one of them. When I imagined motherhood, this isn’t how I thought I would handle its difficult moments. I knew it would be hard and that I would be challenged, but I never imagined that I would be capable of being this screaming, fuming terror in my own home.
“This is our home.”
I say this a lot these days while bent low to toddler level. Putting on shoes, getting in the car, soothing tears, multiple other times each day our littlest one says “I go home now?” Her little voice filled with hope and anticipation.
“I go home now?”
Please stop telling me, “one day you’re gonna miss all this.” I know that. I’ve even written a blog post about it. But that phrase doesn’t help me now.
It doesn’t help me when I’m walking around the house at the end of the day and picking up every toy the girls own from the floor, scraping dried on food from plates and forks, begging one to go to sleep already, all after (what feels like) hours of begging both of them to eat their dinner.
This is not a blog post. I repeat...this is not a blog post.
This is one Mama who had her first day of first days dropping her baby off for pre-school. This is my baby, people! My she-was-just-born, I-swear-she-can't-be-this-big baby!
I know, I know...it's only two days per week and it's only for the mornings...
And I'm OK. I really am. She did great too. NO tears were shed!!
I'm just so proud. So very proud of my baby/big girl.
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