We love a New Year. It signals something inside us that says "this year will be different." It makes us feel like we have control. It makes us feel big and powerful. But we all know resolutions usually fail.
Yes. They fail. They fail often. Really...it's because we don't have control. We aren't all that powerful. But a New Year can be a new beginning. It can be a new focus. It can be a new vision based on an honest reflection. Here are mine.
I run at the mouth and shoot arrows in the form of words. I speak without thinking and love isn’t always the topic. I murder in sentences and phrases meant to cause harm and not good. I slander. I gossip. I yell. I critique. I threaten. I condemn.
I am not proud of these things. Each damaging word shoots arrows back at me and echoes in my ears. However, I know I can’t resolve to not speak negatively. I am incapable of such resolution. My humanity demands that I fail at this endeavor. I won’t win.
But, I can be more conscious. I can be more aware. I can train myself in visuals and in reminders so that one day my words may be less hurt and more heal. For each day that passes that I speak truth in love and weigh the gravity of my language and tone, I get to drop a colorful pebble into the jar. For each day I don’t – for each day I shed blood with words – I will drop a black pebble in the jar.
Because these girls that are in my care are being filled and I am the primary source. I want to fill them well. With kindness, forgiveness, instruction, love, wisdom, scripture, truth, and laughter. With color.
The year ahead carries a whole heap of uncertainty. It’s bursting with unknown and the unknown brings me to the end of my wits. But one word resounds in my heart - a promise from God - that leaves me yearning for His presence as much as His answers. Hope.
I hope, not in what I have seen, but in what I know of my God. He is good and He does good. He does not leave me wandering or wondering, but leaves me resting in His wholeness and His fullness. But HOPE is a heavy word. In its very definition is the weight of unanswered questions, unforeseen outcomes, and hidden plans.
But HOPE breathes life, whispers promises, and brightens the journey. Hope is what I want more of. Not that it can be conjured but it can be surrendered. And I am surrendering to HOPE and to whatever that word carries with it in the coming year.
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