The implication was clear. She made her own money and was, therefore, better than her stay-at-home-mama counterparts who don’t “make their own.” It wasn’t an argument in the traditional sense; I sat and merely listened. When the evening was over and I was alone, I cried. 

But I didn’t cry because my feelings were hurt; I cried because I and my role were greatly misunderstood. These misunderstandings are something we stay-at-home moms struggle with ourselves; the idea that we are less than because our days keep us here rather than out there. These misunderstandings threaten to steal the joy of motherhood.
​
Like working moms, the call to be a stay-at-home mom is one that takes guts and grit. But, unlike working moms, the guts and grit look a bit different. Staying home takes courage to let go of the security of work, no matter how false the security really is, and leave it in the hands of another provider. It takes courage to leave a respected job with a salary to a disrespected station that is derided and scoffed. 

When meeting someone new the inevitable will happen. We will be asked, “what do you do?” and we will be left a few rungs below the others when we say “I’m a mom.”

Today I vacuumed up crumbs from under the highchair seat and the thought jumped in my head, “this isn’t what successful people do.” But I am thankful that the next thought in my mind was this:

“Just because I am less, doesn’t mean I am less than.”
​
Yes, I do less “work” outside the home. Yes, I am less “valuable” on paper. Yes, my job seems less “important” than one that brings home a paycheck. But it is not less than. It may be smaller, but it isn’t less important, less valuable, or less worthy.

No, I don’t bring home a paycheck. No, I don’t have people calling me by my first or last name on a regular basis. No, I don’t command attention when I enter a room of adults. By all human measures I am small and insignificant.

But I wake up at 4:30 a.m. to make sure I am ready to tackle the onslaught of three kids that are five years old and under. I clean, cook, chauffer, rock, sing, shop, get the oil changed, pay bills, schedule appointments, facilitate repairs and maintenance, bind up wounds, teach, pray, and read.

It feels like I spend the largest percentage of my days wiping something from another human body: hands, feet, faces, bottoms. The other part of the day is consumed with things I thought I’d never say, such as “don’t rub your feet on the baby’s face,” or, “please don’t lick that again.”

I am building a home from the inside. I am called Mama and Mom. I sacrifice my pride, my financial independence, and even some relationships because this calling is a high one. What I do daily is small and it’s true that it doesn’t measure up. But it accumulates, and, over time, it adds up into something truly great.
​
My choice to be “just” mom was not my own, but one God wedged into my unwilling heart. One day that may change; in fact, I expect it to. But I am trusting this process. And when my pride threatens to measure success on titles and paychecks, I choose to trust even harder. While this may not be what God has called you to (rock on, working moms!), I am choosing to be content to be JUST a mom… Just a mom who may be less but who is NEVER less than. 

​But I am called to self-sacrifice, not self-care.

I know what you’re thinking… Maybe it’s the colloquial phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” that comes to mind. It does for me too, so hear my out. I’m not denying the truth the phrase contains or the fact that I, myself, enjoy the occasional massage or solo trip to Target.

However, these things are not my primary calling and when I prioritize self-care over my calling to “lay down my life” I sin and get things out of order. You will not find “you can’t pour from an empty cup” in the Bible. You will however find verses like these.
 

• "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Mark 12:31
• "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13
• “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me Matthew 16:24

The importance of self-care
As humans, we have limitations. At the core of self-care is remembering this truth. We need sleep, we need food, we need exercise, we need mental health awareness. These are things that both the Bible and our experience supports. See (Ex. 20:8-10; Mark 6:31; Psalm 127:2)

Recognizing our limits is Biblical. Paul famously said, “’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

 In fact, practicing self-care is practicing good stewardship of the gift of our bodies. Our bodies and our minds matter. And they require care and constant attention.

The limits of self-care
The problem is, no amount of self-care can heal a broken soul. No amount of self-care can eradicate sin. No amount of self-care is enough to fill the God-shaped hole in each of our hearts. We will always feel empty, alone, over-whelmed, lost, and desperate apart from the healing and saving power of Jesus Christ.

I can take all the trips to Target I want and get massages every week; I can take a girls weekend and go on a shopping spree, but none of that will heal what is broken and fill what is missing on the inside.
​
Self-care has limits. For the deepest rest – rest for your soul – you must turn to the one who says “take my yoke upon you…and you will find rest for your souls.”

The calling to self-sacrifice
As a mom, self-sacrifice is part of the job description. From the moment I became pregnant for the first time until today – three kids and 6 years later – my body, my choices, my space, my home, my schedule, my desires, my dreams, my plans are not my own but have been replaced with those fitting motherhood.
Stewardship of our bodies and minds means recognizing its limits as well as its strengths and the calling that God has upon them. IT also means recognizing the person who truly owns our bodies. Hint, it isn’t us. When we live in obedience to the calling God has on our lives, we are able to steward our strengths for his glory and for our good.

I’m a mom. If I put self-care in a position it doesn’t belong I risk neglecting my children, my husband, my home, and more. Being a mom requires self-sacrifice. IT takes daily dying to myself. It takes putting other people’s needs above my own. It takes putting other HAPPINESS above my own. It often requires pouring from an empty cup. And this is possible because, while I am not enough, Christ is. His cup is never empty.
​
However, if I neglect self-care entirely, I risk personal injury or burnout. I risk mental health breakdowns and none of this will ultimately be good for my family. The motivation behind self care is not what it does for me but what it is able to do for those I am called to love more than myself.
​
Even Jesus practiced self-care, Jesus rested beside the well, Jesus slept in the bottom of the boat, Jesus went to secluded places alone. If Jesus needed to do those things, how much more should I? But Jesus’s version of self care was not self indulgent but self-sustaining. It was to power him forward not to take him away. It was to connect Him with the father not connect Him with his own self.
 
Balancing it All
Self-care in its proper place is good for the body and glorifying to God. But that road can be slippery so awareness of my primary calling to lay down my life, take up my cross, and die to self must take precedent. I am not my own but I am Christ’s and He made me a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a worker. These rolls are not distractions or necessary evils but they are the point and they are good.

This may cause some of you to gasp, pull-away, frown, and shake your head. While there will be others who nod, understand, and sigh knowing the scope of the fall of the human body and mind.
​
Still there may be others whose eyes widen and throats catch because you know the feelings yourself. You know this is you or has been you. Maybe you’ve not had the courage to talk about it. It scares you – rightfully so – but it forces you to draw the blinds of your heart and turn the lock on yourself for fear of what others will think.

I’m not sure to which group I am talking. As a writer, I am taught to “know your audience.” But I think that’s dumb. At this point I’m just writing because it’s something I know how to do. I am a writer and so I write. I am writing for me.This means I write about everything. Even my companion, depression.

I shared with a friend recently how scary that word is, “depression.” It carries with it so much weight much like “cancer;” however, with cancer people don’t typically blame you for it or tell you to pray it away.

The word “depression” conjurs up lots of opinions and feelings among so many, particularly those of us in the church. And, unfortunately, the church has a reputation of shaming, pushing it away, over spiritualizing it, and labeling it as sin or lack of faith.

​Surprisingly, my depression would have likely gone undiagnosed for a long time had it not been for the faithful visits of depression’s closest friend, anxiety. Anxiety and I got pretty close there for a few of weeks. She’d visit me in the car, nearly every morning, definitely every night, at the gym, even one unfortunate evening on a date in the beautiful mountains of Colorado. Darn it if that girl isn’t persistent.

It wasn’t until nearly four months in to my depression when I sat down with a really good doctor and was able to see how all this had progressed, where it had come from (sort of), and what to do about it.

I am not a depressed person by nature, nor am I typically anxious. Of all the things I could have feared manifesting in my future, depression and anxiety were not any of them. And yet here I am in the absolute hardest season of my life to date.

The depression started slowly, sneakily in January and crept up until I was nearly debilitated by it many days. This stirred up anxiety because I am a mom of three little girls with a lot on my plate who suddenly had no energy or motivation to do any of the things on that plate. The racing thoughts of “how am I going to do this?” and “what is happening to me?” and, my personal favorite, “where is the old Amy?” brought with them panic attacks, vomiting, and physical pain.

I thought I was dying. Let me say that again.

I thought I was dying.

​Now, today, I sit knowing I am going to be okay… even if I’m not okay… I’m going to be okay.

I’ve been to counseling, both Biblical and secular. I am continuing to meet with trusted mentors and pastors. I have a great psychiatrist who I trust and who has introduced me a recovery regimen that is working. I have friends who, literally, kept me alive. They brought food, forced me to eat, wiped my face, picked up my kids, rubbed my feet (my feet!), pushed me out the door for walks, put my kids to bed, prayed over me, read scripture, sent gifts, called, texted, and visited. Most importantly, they shared. They shared their stories of depression, anxiety, and living a life of hope and daily surrender to Christ. I was never alone. Never!

But it was quite a journey to get here. And there is still quite a journey ahead.

And here, again, I sit writing. Not really knowing what I’m trying to say or why. But I just feel like someone needs to hear this. Someone needs to know that you’re not alone and that there is help.

Also, someone else needs to know that your story matters. You haven’t lived with depression or anxiety for no reason. God doesn’t waste anything. Share your story.

And finally, there is someone who needs to know that this even happens to those “good” Christian girls who seem to have it all together. It is real. It is a real reflection of broken bodies in a broken world – as a mentor of mine puts it “we are embodied souls.” 

While I am redeemed, I will not be made whole until I see my Savior face to face. And, because of this, there will be struggles, there will be suffering, there will be nights of the valley of the shadow of death.

​But even so, even if…
Joy comes in the morning, not because of the greatness of my faith but because of the greatness of the One in whom my faith lies. And I am choosing to trust that Christ, who began a good work in me, will see His work completed.

We are told to “cherish these moments” when we don’t feel like it; we are warned not to blink when all we want is a nap. We know it is ending and it aches but we also anticipate the excitement of all the firsts fully understanding that one day all those first will be lasts.
​
Motherhood is not to be trifled with.

It is a beast of challenge and change that leaves no one unshattered in its wake. We are all changed by it and hurt by it. But we would do it again in a heartbeat and take all the sorrow and joy that comes with it all over again.
​
And all the while we fear we aren’t doing it right – that surely we have absolutely and irreparably damaged our children. We wonder if it’s all been a mistake, this beautiful, messy, life-giving, energy-draining dance, and that perhaps we weren’t meant for this. And then they snuggle in and whisper “I love you, mama” or call you “just because” and we remember that all this isn’t about us anyway.

​​Nope, not even a little bit. It’s about God who made Heaven and Earth who also declared it good that you be a Mama. And so, we gladly take another spin in the dizzying, heart-wrenching, beautiful, messy, life-giving, energy-draining dance of Motherhood because the Fearful and Wonderful God used His fearful and wonderful hands to make us and then to make them. And we know without a shadow of a doubt that He isn’t in the business of making mistakes.

​This is my theme. 

ONLY JESUS

Of course, this should always be my theme - every year prior and to come. This is foundational stuff! But while it’s not rocket science it is earth-shattering. This is truly one of those simple things that confound and confuse the wise.

“Only Jesus” is my resolution, it is my heart, it is my theme, it the declaration I plan to focus on over the next 365 days. What I accomplish or create or cross off my list in the next twelve months is secondary to the cultivated heart that cries “only Jesus.”

This means that my only aim is to glorify Jesus. This means that my only task is to please him. This means that I will rely on his completed work on the cross and rely on his continuing work of sanctification. This means that nothing else matters – Only Jesus. 

I will seek after a heart that adores him, a mind that meditates on him, days that center on him, and hands that do all they find to do for his glory - not for my own. The next twelve months should not be defined by all I was able to do, but by the glorification of the One I am blessed to serve.
​
After all, what good is washing your face if, when you step out into the world, the only one you reflect is you? Will you join me? Will this be your resolution, too? Let’s make it so much less about us and all we can do and so much more about him.

 
SCRIPTURE
"For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him." Col. 1:16

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." 1 John 5:20

"Waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ," Titus 2:13

"Remember these things, O Jacob,
    and Israel, for you are my servant;
I formed you; you are my servant;
    O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me.
I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud
    and your sins like mist;
return to me, for I have redeemed you.
Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done it;
    shout, O depths of the earth;
break forth into singing, O mountains,
    O forest, and every tree in it!
For the Lord has redeemed Jacob,
    and will be glorified in Israel.
Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer,
    who formed you from the womb:
I am the Lord, who made all things,
    who alone stretched out the heavens,
    who spread out the earth by myself,
who frustrates the signs of liars
    and makes fools of diviners,
who turns wise men back
    and makes their knowledge foolish,"
Isaiah 44:21-25