There are remnants of your day everywhere: a pile of princess playing cards on my nightstand, Doc McStuffins on my dresser, shoes by the door. I can hear your voice echoing down the hallway in memory of you squealing in delight as you and daddy played.
But I have to apologize.
I must confess that I missed it. I was too distracted with my own agenda to sort through those cards like you wanted me to. I was too busy with chores to have a long-overdue “checkup” from the Doc. I was too deep into social media comparison to run along beside you.
And, just this morning, I nearly missed the bunny in our front yard. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have even noticed its little white tail and the way it hopped from bush to bush.
“I didn’t even see it!” I had exclaimed in excitement only to be completely humbled by your response.
“That’s okay, mommy, you were looking at your phone, but I saw it.”
You were looking at your phone.
But you saw it, sweet girl, you saw it. With your eyes as wide as the world itself, you saw it. And I, I nearly missed it. It’s too bad I missed the rest of it, though. I missed the songs you were singing to your little sister because I was too busy packing bags for the long day ahead.
I can hear it now though, in my memory, caught on the periphery of my thoughts and now visiting me again as I try to sleep. I wish I had seen it in person instead of watching it on replay in my head. I wish I had really looked at you when you told me a silly story about the purple monster that tried to eat sissy. You always have the best expressions and a vivid imagination but my mind was somewhere else.
Forgive me, daughter, for what I did today; all the distractions and plans and destinations, pulled me from you. I should have seen you more, I should have listened better, and I should have played more freely. Yes, we were together all day, but my mind wasn’t. And you need my awareness as much as my presence.
So dear one, now as you sleep, I kneel next to your bed and ask for your sincere forgiveness. Dear girl, who is growing faster than my mind can comprehend and my heart can bear, please let me start fresh tomorrow. Will you allow me to play princess cards with you? Can I please have my “checkup?” You always do it best. And, when daddy gets home, I will be at the end of the hall to catch you when you have run out of energy and need a safe place to snuggle.
Do you forgive me?
Because tomorrow I want to hear your voice singing a song, really hear it. I want to watch your face tell a story, really see it. I want to feel the pressure of your hand in mine, really feel it. Because, dear girl, I want to spend my time with you. I want to blow it all on you. I want to invest in laughter, in stories, in songs, in memories. I want to invest in you.
With Love, Your Mama
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